day one

The saddest, unfunniest thing about all of this, the most quietly despairing and irrevocably hurting part of it, is that I saw it coming: I knew loneliness would come, and thus I tried to build an army, tried to bury myself safe under the weight of a few, hide my soul with the kind laughter of others, and yet it was not enough, for my voice quivers still– like a falling castle, my hands shake with the knowledge that they’ve got no one to hold, nobody to take care of, no backs to caress or necks to sprint down on; my tears burn creases on my cheeks, like lava sprouting out of a hitherto slumbering volcano (though I was not sleeping, I was always a raging mountain, the worrying dune of unfounded ground), and they fill my head with a pain I thought I’d forgotten, a hurting so pure it runs down my veins and I willingly choose to mistaken for life; my castle is torn apart by their absence, by the fact that I built it on the sand, and my army is broken, only shattered glass is left in the past, for it was not composed of people but talkative mirrors: images I composed, for myself, of others, like a deaf musician, a painter feeling his way around an empty canvass, I am outnumbered by the pieces of water on the soil, reflecting up to whom I’ve grown into, and I am reminded I saw it coming like one sees the sun rise on the far horizon every morning; like some others knowingly step a moment too early when hearing a train approach, I jumped into the unknown already fully aware of what I would become.

And now there’s nothing; nothing but long, never-ending, curling thoughts, spiralling down to you once more: the kind stranger, the soft voice in the distance of my mind, you’re as unknown as the present once was, and yet I still want you, still I yearn for your return, your one step forward towards me would put in motion a plan left in oblivion for some months now, the alternative agenda devised eons before your arrival to my life: that of building another army, sweep away the shattered mirrors, reach out towards non-reflective pieces.

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